I Wish I Didn’t Have A Body

My fake boyfriend/puppet-monkey and I called it quits, which was bound to happen because when you’re calling someone your “fake boyfriend/puppet-monkey” something is probably not working. In this case the 2,000 miles had a lot to do with it, but honestly I think that’s a cop-out and the ship was sinking anyways: like yeah, the boat sank because we were on water… that’s how boats sink. BUT I’m pretty sure the huge storm (anxiety/depression) and the shitty construction of this boat (being in that post-college phase of life where everything changes every five seconds) had more to do with it though.

That’s right ladies and gentlemen, this lunatic is back on the market (and restriction free cause nobody wanted to get mixed up with open-relationship girl anyways. Open relationship girl = me a few days ago. Totes available = me now)

Now here’s some truth bombs I’ve been tossing around in my noggin’ with some bitterness sprinkled on top. (It’s gonna get real and heavy for a sec, so heads up folks):

I wish I didn’t have a body.

No, I don’t mean I wish I was dead (let’s cool it on the melodramatics, although I understand why that wouldn’t be surprising and all cause of the topic of depression here. P.S. depression is the topic here).

Today, I wish I didn’t have a body. I wish I didn’t have a body because I wouldn’t have to worry about brushing my teeth, or clipping my nails, or feeding it, or watering it, or getting it out of bed in the morning. I wouldn’t have to make it exercise or worry about it breaking. I wouldn’t have to be too hot or too cold. I wouldn’t have to worry about falling on my stove and having 3rd degree burns and skin graft surgery (see this post: Bye 2015, See Ya Never). Elements and brain chemicals wouldn’t be able to push me around in this fragile thing.

If we didn’t have bodies, we couldn’t shoot each other, or stab one another. Race wouldn’t be a factor, discrimination wouldn’t exist how it does with our different colored bodies. Maybe gender wouldn’t matter either. Women wouldn’t have to worry about the shortness of their skirts or being looked at or grabbed. Maybe we’d all just be people and we would only have kindness and perspective to judge each other with.

If I didn’t have a body I wouldn’t worry about what to wear or how it affects people around me. I wouldn’t have to worry about my weight or body image. I wouldn’t have to worry about what women think of my appearance, or worse, what men do. If I didn’t have a body, I wouldn’t have been assaulted (sorry for the abruptness. I’ll ease ya’ll into the word rape and what it means to me). If I wasn’t assaulted, I wouldn’t have PTSD, and I wouldn’t scare the people I’m intimate with. Puppet-monkey and my loved ones wouldn’t have had to hold my hand through my on-going recovery. If I didn’t have a body I wouldn’t be able to hyperventilate, have my hands go numb, and collapse to the floor in anxiety attacks. If I didn’t have a body, I wouldn’t have to take medicine. If I didn’t have a body, I wouldn’t have to get on a scary plane (planes = hella scary) to visit my loved ones. If I didn’t have a body 2,000 miles wouldn’t exist. If I didn’t have a body, I wouldn’t need closeness and physical connection to be with someone. If I didn’t have a body, someone wouldn’t need that from me. If I didn’t have a body, long distance wouldn’t matter. If I didn’t have a body we could let the real problems do the talking.

I understand. This is a coin. There are two sides. Bodies are beautiful and different and allow us to love and hold one another – and facts is facts: I do have a body.

birdcage candle

Yesterday my body helped me open my laptop and buy some birdcages (no I don’t have birds, but that’d be pretty dope – and probs stinky so I hear). I’m going to hang the birdcages from my ceiling and put candles in them. My body is going to light the candles when I get home from work and blow them out before I go to bed each night. It’s the thought of these candles and the phone call my body is going to help me make this afternoon to my wife/college roommate (yes, wife, I’m a humungous polygamist) to ask about her kitten (who is growing up way too fast). It is these thoughts that are keeping me calm today. These are the things I’m looking forward to. It’s the little things and our loved ones.

2016-01-26 12.01.55  Bennet growing up WAY to fast.

Bodies can be great, my body helped me do these things, but today: today I wish I didn’t have one.

That’s okay though because today isn’t the only day. Today will end. I’ve got tomorrow. We all do.




P.S. Try, just TRY to tell me a world of floating brains wouldn’t be cool…. yeah, I thought so.


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