Loneliness is a Motherfu-

Sup home doggies. I hope I find you well. In fact, I hope I find you good enough (because I have reasonable expectations). Even if you’re feeling less than good enough, I still love you… but I hope you are doing good enough. Hope is good.

20160331_125345.jpgI’ve lost this ring so many times, but it always finds its way back to me.

I want to talk about something that everyone feels – not just us folks that have been diagnosed with brain bonkers, syndromes, and a grab bag of other not-delicious, not-so-fun body chemical thangs. I think it’s important because I don’t want anyone out there perusing these posts like you’re at the zoo looking in. No sirree. I hate to break it to you, but you’re one of the animals too. You’ve got the sads and the happies and the flip-a-table-fuck-thises, and, if you’re most people, you’ve probably got the lonelies too.

If you’ve ever felt lonely or homesick, in my non-medical opinion you’ve had a taste of depression. WHAT A GREAT WAY TO RELATE TO YOUR FELLOW HUMAN BEING (sorry dudes, I just get excited when people relate to each other).

Here’s my definition of loneliness broken down for you: Loneliness is a SOB that sucks on your heart like a giant dumb leech and drains you of feelings of being cared for. No matter how many people are physically surrounding you – loved ones or strangers – you’ve still got this hole in the middle of you because this Motherfucker is needy and thirsty, and stealing you of your positive self-image, comfort, and happiness. It’s a liar, it’s mean, and worst of all, it’s an unpredictable houseguest – it could just be here for an overnight stay, but sometimes it just doesn’t go away.

Alright, so there are solutions to loneliness, and contrary to what I just said, sometimes a loved one is the remedy – however, I stand by my claim that being around “people” is not THE answer. Loneliness is choosey. Sometimes, the right loved one is the remedy. Sometimes it wants a parent, sometimes it wants a friend or significant other. It craves pets, deep conversation, meeting new people, and receiving love from past relationships. Loneliness can be battled with religion, spirituality, and meditation. It is a symptom of lacking an understanding community that supports you and has with similar POVs as you.

Sometimes, you are the remedy. Sometimes, loneliness just needs you.

tumblr_niwf9lbnff1qjshvjo1_400 Retta: our collective guardian angel

Remember how this is a leech that sucks away your feelings of being cared for? Well, caring for yourself is a good step forward (TREAT YO SELF pictured above). Yup, giving yourself love, attention and support is a good square one. Neglecting your needs can make you feel lonely within your own body (not talking about masturbation, but if that’s gonna help you out seriously, go for it).

I’ve experience this recently. I miss myself, and I’m aching to be friends with me again (yeah, we’re getting abstract here, so buckle up kids). While I love myself, I don’t really like me right now. I don’t really know me, and I think that’s the core of my problem: I have this distance with my own being. I’m not recognizing the ways I’m feeling. I don’t like how I handle conflict or ignore my feelings. I don’t like my carelessness towards my life and my things – stacks of laundry, not caring about my appearance, giving up on creative projects, eating garbage (not literal garbage, but close enough… like goldfish isn’t a meal – eh, you get the picture).

Some clarification: being alone isn’t the same thing (alone ≠ lonely). Being alone is good, and having alone time can make you feel less lonely. I haven’t been giving myself enough alone time, or I’ve been giving myself the wrong kind of alone time. Instead of clinging to my bed, numbing my brain watching TV for hours (which I’m not against really – but TV can’t be my only means of coping), I could be reading the book my Mom gave me, or Skyping with my best friend’s cat, or writing. I’m neglecting exploring my developing interests in this post-college phase of my life. Maybe post-college, adultish Anna likes painting? I’m not a different person, but I’m allowed to try painting. I need to let myself try painting. I need to get to know if I like it or not and not ignore the possibilities. Nurturing and caring for myself and my interests is vital to my survival out here in this vast lonely Hollywood LA land.

20160329_174452The Sea of Loneliness
(except it’s the lake in my parent’s backyard, and it makes me feel less lonely)

Bottom line… I’ve been feeling lonely lately, and it’s a Motherfucker. I get it. So if you’re feeling lonely, I’m on the same sea in a boat nearby. Don’t worry. It seems endless, but it’s not. There are others out here. In the mean time, I’m gonna stop missing me and make friends with the crew in my own head.

Peace out Girl Scouts ❤





  1. PH Photography · April 1, 2016

    I’m completely with you and I feel the exact same way being out here. Even having multiple people can make me feel extremely lonely. Trust me, I’ve written plenty of blog posts on this topic. I think I’ve actually had this loneliness and unhappiness since even before leaving Ann Arbor. It’s lonely being out here in LA with everyone. But at the same time, it kind helps because it keeps my mind occupied too. Just know, you’re an amazing human being and I miss you!!
    ~PH (Guess who this is)


  2. mubeenazam · April 2, 2016

    Loneliness is more complex than many people make out, as you describe (quite eloquently I should say!) it is a situation that once your in, it’s sometime very difficult to free yourself from. I love the photo of your parents backyard, so serene and opens up to so many opportunities, when I saw it I saw nature embracing you with her arms. All the best, nothing lasts forever and neither do these negative experiences, although some experiences feel they are sapping the life out of you…slowly, very slowly, but there is always hope for a better future!


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s