I said I’d write next week, and then it was next week. I didn’t have anything good enough to say, so I kept my mouth shut and my keyboard quiet. That was the first anxiety brick I set on my chest. Then the next week rolled around, and I stacked another brick on my chest… then the third week, and another brick. Now it’s the fourth week and I need to breathe.
The short version of this is LOL SHOULDA SAID I’D WRITE NEXT MONTH, but that’d be a lie.
And I hope by now we all know how I feel about lying. I care not for it. I care not for it indeed.
So instead of lying I’m going to hit you with a big ol’ excuse – I’ve been much too busy to write because I’ve been prancing around performing Shakespeare.
I spy with my little eye, a gigantic nerd.
It’s time to hang in there my non-actor, non-showbiz friends, cause this is about to get hella theater romantic up in here.
I’ve been busy falling in love (told you) with a character named Rosalind, and yet again, a glorious female spirit has come to my rescue during a difficult time. She has helped me find my bravery, and I owe her nothing short of requiring the highest expectations of quality from the people in my life. She’s reminded me of my integrity and beauty, and reassured me that, yes indeed, my wit can be my greatest ally.
I’ve been working on stage with people I feel fearless with – an invaluable trait to gain from cast members, coworkers, or whoever you surround yourself with on a daily basis. They push me, inspire me, and support me onstage in a role that I wasn’t sure I could pull off (yet in typical Anna fake-it-till-you-make-it fashion I didn’t allowed myself to realize those doubts).
But now, with a full month long run of the show ahead of me I feel that oh-so-familiar impending doom of post show blues knocking at my door (and we opened this past weekend, can a chica calm down a bit?**). Post show blues are that brief period of feeling down after a show or production wraps. It’s a lonely feeling that involves missing the show that just concluded. We’re not as special as we’d like to think cause you can have post-anything blues after any major life event: graduating, getting married, birthdays, telling a really good joke, eating a most pristine sandwich etc.
You miss the experience, but ultimately you move on after a few days.
This all gets at a deeper anxiety I have for the past and the future all while being in the present. It’s a fear I’m doing my best to stave off – which requires constant awareness of how many bricks are on my chest.
I’m not only already missing Rosalind — I’m already aching for all the people around me. I am with a show family that will inevitably drift apart in many ways – as most show families do at the end of final bows. Because it’s normal. Because it’s natural. Because most good experiences come to an end, and that’s okay.
(I mean, I’m definitely keeping them and they’re not allowed to have an opinion about it BECAUSE I SAID SO, but my point being: our relationships will shift, even if they’re not disappearing.)
I’m about to lose a constant, a routine. It’s been keeping me steady, focused and on track, but it’s also served as a way to avoid problems in my life. I’ve always been very good at coming up with “productive excuses” that appear to be important – and they often are – but I lean on them to prevent myself from tackling the monsters in the closet. This show has been my latest excuse — just like for my writing, it’s a way to not deal with things.
But I can’t leave you with that! That’s a garbage way to think about this lovely show, the rehearsal process, the dedication, and the love that I’ve put into this along with all the other members.
I mean to say, I shouldn’t let Anna take advantage of experiences like this by drifting so far away from real life, by using it as an excuse to handle real life. I need to show both aspects of my life more respect, the project and the reality. I need to do both at the same time – because I can. I know I can.
It’s what Rosalind would want from me methinks.
**No. No she cannot.